Of politics and flatulence by A Kathirasen who has been NST journalist for 33 years

DURING that period in life when boys will be boys, my friends and I would cup the right hand under the left armpit and flap the arm whenever someone received his comeuppance.

If, for instance, a play mate who had refused to give you a marble lost all he had in a game, you would look at him, cup your hands under your armpit and move the arm up and down -- with a wicked smile crawling all over your face or with the lips pulled into the mouth and the eyebrows raised.

We also had great fun cupping the hand under the armpit and creating noises that sounded like someone letting flatus fly. This action, however, had to be done with your hand actually touching your armpit, which meant you had to unbutton the top button of your shirt or put your arm under the t-shirt - if, that is, you were wearing one.

With great hilarity, we would try to outdo each other in the funny, flatulent-like noises that we could make.
Certainly, there is something rather amusing about flatulence, unless, of course, you happen to be in the vicinity of someone who has let off what chortling children term a "bomb", or if you are the one behind the malodorous effluvium.

If the former is the case, you may pinch your nose and spear the culprit with an obnoxious stare; if the latter is the case, you will cower in embarrassment or offer profuse apologies to a rapidly disappearing group of people.

Though most adults would, despite its transience, shun a dalliance with flatulence, there are some whose insouciance after letting go in front of an audience defies common sense. These are the loud ones.
Then there are others who sneak through a carminative attack and pretend nothing happened, or, worse, look at you as if you are the cause of the stink. These are the silent types.

We generally do not mention the four-letter word in polite company, or at the family dinner, or in newspapers such as this. And when we are surrounded by people, we usually hold the instinct to let go so as not to be embarrassed or become an object of a joke or two, or of odious gossip.

However, a group of learned scientists who investigated one of the big questions of life - whether one should release air while on an airplane -- advises against holding it back, or in.

Let go, they stridently state in a 3,000-word study published in the New Zealand Medical Journal on Feb 15. Yes, flatulence has joined the fruit fly as a legitimate object of scientific study.

According to an AFP report, the study found that, "(Holding back) holds significant drawbacks for the individual, such as discomfort and even pain, bloating, dyspepsia (indigestion), pyrosis (heartburn) just to name but a few resulting abdominal symptoms..

"Moreover, problems resulting from the required concentration to maintain such control may even result in subsequent stress symptoms."

According to the study, flying increases flatulence due to changes in air pressure at high altitudes
The study also found that the average person lets off 10 times a day and that -- no offence to my female readers -- the gas emitted by women is more mephitic than that released by men.

The study authors, by the way, are five gastroenterologists from Denmark and Britain. How I wish a Malaysian had been among the experts. Had that been the case, they would have found a fertile field for the study of flatulence among our febrile politicians and their supporters.

With the general election drawing near, the amount of hot air released by them is rising. I suppose politicians everywhere -- not just in Malaysia -- have always known what the five scientists have only just pointed out: it's healthier to let go. Some politicians are very loud; others work silently.

The flatulence of animals, such as cattle, contributes to global warming. I pray the fatuous prolixity of our politicians does not.

All manner of promises are being made by politicians from both sides of the political spectrum. There's nothing wrong with that. After all, hot air, like flatulence, has never harmed anyone; at least not permanently.
However, the verbal flatulence of pernicious or prejudiced politicians who let off a stink -- aimed at attracting people of their ilk, or stirring feculence -- could harm the nation. It is worse if they enjoy immunity or protection, or if they are surrounded by goons and goondas.

Those who love Malaysia should be careful not to play into the hands of those who, through words or actions, seek to create rage or distrust among us in the coming weeks. You can be certain there will be more than a few of them, as the general election is seen as a do-or-die battle by both sides of the political divide. We should just let the flatulence ride, and not react emotionally to it.

We can reduce the incidence of flatulence by a better selection of food. For instance, if we reduce the intake of cauliflower, bran, beans or cabbage, we may have less need to release gas.

Similarly, when it comes to politicians, we can, and should, select those who will not cause a stink in our lives. And when those slimy, racist, gaseous types lose in the election, we can cup our right hand under our left arm and flap the arm with a wide grin. Noise is optional.

"Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision"
-- Dick Armey (US politician)


Read more: Of politics and flatulence - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/of-politics-and-flatulence-1.221918#ixzz2LUtmz0DT